I have always been an anxious person and my stress levels are out of this world, however, these past few months turned into an uncontrollable chaos. I have no real clue what happened or how it happened. I started having relationship problems and you could say life crises and before I knew it, my life felt as if I was a character in a game and someone else was making all the bad choices. As if love problems weren’t bad enough, my close friend was struggling herself – she has a baby on the way and her fiancé is fighting alcohol addiction. And because my life is a tragicomedy and that simply wasn’t enough, another close friend contacted me because her family was in serious trouble and she needed my help – and we are talking help that could bring myself in big trouble.
So basically I have relationship problems that were stressing me out so much, that I started having medical problems and I got into huge depressions. I felt like there was no solution for me… I thought about leaving my boyfriend a lot, but I still don’t think that it’s the right time? Like if we were still meant to be together (does it make sense? Yeah I guess not…). So I always got into this endless loop that was going nowhere and that was stressing me out, the more I got stressed out the more everything felt darker and I was not eating properly. It was scary as hell… it still is. That’s why I probably took the cowards way out and instead of taking a risk and leaving I decided to solve it… I still don’t know if I am solving anything or just running away but I know that I am scared to death by that dark place of mind and I don’t want to relive that. And of course, those two friends came to me with their problems because they have nowhere else to turn to and I feel like I must be their rock and help them and my problems seem like nothing in comparison with their… Like… am I really having it that bad? Am I just blowing up something meaningless and making a drama out of it even though it has a simple solution? Are my problems even worthy?
I feel like I am lost in a fog and every time I think I see a light to navigate me out of there, it just makes me go deeper and deeper. I don’t know anything at this point, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I just want things to be normal and simple… What is happening?
There are nights when you perfectly know what to do, you don’t even think about it. You are occupied and later on you wonder how it is possible that it’s midnight already and you have to go to bed. But tonight is not one of those nights. My boyfriend is out late studying with his classmates for an exam and I’ve got the room to myself (there are six of us in an apartment and we are divided into twos for one rom…). Never before have I realized how big part of my life he plays…. Like seriously, I was like “yoo I’ll finish reading The Jungle and it’s gonna be a chill night” but somehow that didn’t exactly work out. I found myself tired as a puppy and I’m in a part where it’s all about politics and I just couldn’t no more. There started the part of the evening where I didn’t know what to do whatsoever… like that we get to this very moment, where I’m sitting in a dark room lit by a dying candle and flickering fairy-lights, listening to Backstreet boys and not having any clue what to do. It’s not like I don’t have stuff to do… I actually want to do a lot of things, but somehow I’m missing inspiration… it is a strange feeling, like everything is transparent and there’s missing something, but I’m unable to grasp what it is. I wouldn’t say that I need to be with friend somewhere right now… actually quite the opposite. I feel like I’ve lost myself a little. The only time nowadays I actually get into deep thoughts about my life and future is, when I am on a tram, going to the city. To be fair, that half an hour ride can get pretty depressing. But it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be alone. I used to read so many books, I just to draw on daily basis, I used to write stories… and now… now I don’t and I’m very confused and I don’t know what happened. I want to be creative, I want to do things, but it’s like something’s holding me back. I’m without both inspiration and motivation. The last two months it’s all about school and exam period and entrance exams and I’m getting sick of it. I want to step up my game, I want to be productive, I want to learn things that might be actually useful to me and my future. I can tell that to myself million times and still when I don’t have school work to do, I do nothing at all as the lazy shit I am… Well this turned pretty petty and it shouldn’t have so let’s bright it up a little. It’s all about the baby steps… I’m actually exploring new things, I am writing at least something even though it’s not stories but blog posts, I’m slowly learning the art of photography, I did stay true to my resolution and I’m reading more and what is my biggest milestone yet I think is, that I managed to pass all my exams and faced responsibility and adulthood and didn’t break down… that’s a start right? People, myself included, tend to see things from the darker side, however we should learn to see the positives more, to recognize the little steps and don’t stoop our shoulders. There’s always hope for everybody, even though you might not recognize it right away.
I have a strong urge to write something, yet I don’t know what to write about. There’s so much happening and at the same time nothing at all. Today we had a family gathering to celebrate my, my mom’s and my nana’s birthday… well technically my birthday is tomorrow, but you know, it was the most convenient timing for the family, so why not. Oh jeez, I’ll be twenty tomorrow! Big two and zero… I’m gonna have a crisis. I’m not a teen anymore… I don’t feel like an adult though, I feel like everything but an adult. And to top it off, New Year’s coming faster than I am capable to keep up with. As a true college student, I have exam period starting off in January and my first exam is on the 3rd January… It has been too chaotic lately and I wanted to enjoy peace at home so I haven’t even touched my study materials… I seriously have to do something and I’m not addressing only my studies. I should put some effort into doing something useful… This blog is my first step. I’d like to fully put my head into it (I even borrowed my dad’s reflex camera! Guess I have to learn how to use it now), read more books, write more stories, just do something and not just sit at home and do nothing.
It’s actually one AM in thirty minutes and I’ve just finished reading Dear Charlie (I hope to write a review soon) and guys let me tell you, that was actually truly inspiring. I’ve not experienced that for a long time now with a book, but this one really left something behind. If you can go through something so shitty as the main character and still get on your feet and pull yourself together, then I can do that too. I promise to genuinely start studying tomorrow, to pass my exams and later on I’ll start doing something worth a while as I’m promising myself all these months.
If you got to this very end, well jeez aren’t you procrastinating yourself? I don’t suppose my rambling is so interesting to be much acknowledged but I hope you took something from it and maybe got inspired yourself. Let’s make it count people!