Is it love or is it fear?

There goes the kitchen door slammed shut. Tunes of furious rap are escaping the enclosed space. Lound banging of dishes is like thunder and with each bang, you feel more scared and uneasy and your heart sinks a little bit lower. Why am I even tolerating this? God knows…
The atmosphere is thick with frustration and anger. All of a sudden the phone awakens and the tune alerts a new message: I’ve always thought that you are the most amazing creature alive, ever since the first moment I had the opportunity to talk to you.
Tears start rolling down my cheeks. There are two worlds… one where I am hiding in a room scared shitless and the other where someone would bring down the heavens for me.
You are overreacting, he is just tired from work.
But I only asked him to finish the dishes since I cleaned the room and did most of the work.
Yeah, but he hates doing the dishes, you know.
But I hate doing the dishes too and I did it regardless. And I only asked him to finish it up because he didn’t want to prepare dinner as I asked him.
Stop being such a bitch, let him breathe out a bit. Do it yourself if you need it so much.
But… I am doing it all the time, we should be cooperating.
And you are cooperating? You refused to be intimate with him.
We were intimate not so long ago… I am tired and just not in the mood.
Oh, ok, so it is all right for you not to be in the mood but it is not allowed for him?
But…
*bang* *loud profanities* *bang*
But I am scared.

Advertisements

Ghost me not

it was a nice sunny day and he was cutting his way through a park in the city centre, when all of a sudden he spotted her. She was sitting there under a tree, reading one of her strange gory books, completely oblivious to her surroundings. He stopped dead in his tracks. He stood there, staring at her and didn’t know what to do. He did what she specifically asked him no to do – he alienated her. She knew that the situation they were in wasn’t ideal and therefore asked him that if he ever had to sever ties with her, to be honest with her and just tell it straight away. He promised, because he knew that she had had some bad experiences in the past and that if another person she cared about started ignoring her, it would break her. But he did just that… he started ghosting her. She didn’t know what was going on, so she texted him occasionally but since he wasn’t responding, her texts were rarer and rarer until one day they stopped coming. At the time he was relieved, it meant that his life would get a bit easier, but he still cared about her and knew that she’d be going through a tough time. And he was right. She had no clue what happened, she cursed him, she cried, she got depressed, she was so broken that she didn’t leave her bed for days and did not eat. He wanted to come back and help her when he heard all these new, but he didn’t. He drew a line and couldn’t cross it back.

She eventually found her peace. She moved, started from the beginning, found new friends and picked up a few new hobbies. He was glad that she got over it, but deep down he knew that he left a scar on her heart that could never be healed and that she would never trust anyone like him again. And now there she was, sitting there, so caught up in the story of her book that her mouth was slightly open and her fingers white from the tight grip she had on the book. He smiled. She changed so much yet she hasn’t changed at all. His old feelings came rushing back.

Some kids were playing with a frisbee near him when all of a sudden he heard a sharp “Watch out!”. He noticed the frisbee flying right at his head, but he, fortunately, managed to catch it in time. He threw the frisbee back to the kids and turned his head back to her. Their eyes met. The shouting made her look up and she finally noticed him. Her face was blank with all colour vanishing. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know where to begin. She closed her book, collected her stuff and got up. She walked towards him. She was as beautiful as ever, his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest as if it wanted to jump out. He started smiling stupidly, he couldn’t believe this was happening. She got close to him but was not looking at him and as a matter of fact, she passed by him as if he was not even there. As she was passing him, she tried to keep a stone face, but he noticed a tear falling down her cheek. He was dumbstruck. His hand darted out without his intention and he grasped her wrist. She looked at her hand and then in his eyes. Only now he was able to see the blankness in her eyes. She was hurting, she was destroyed on the inside and it was all his fault. Was there even something he could do? She jerked her hand free, gave him one last glance, turned her back to him and left. He was staring at her, he felt his heart breaking and this aching that was passing through his entire body to his fingertips. One minute she was there and the next she was gone, just like that. He thought to himself, “So this is how she felt.”

“Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.” — Henri Cartier-Bresson

Some time ago I said that I was trying to learn photography. Throughout the last couple of month I actually managed to get some pretty good shots… Now I realized though that I don’t have a clue how to alter them to look even better… Oh well, maybe next time 😉

And yeah if you are wondering, exam period started again and I’m as always procrastinating. I have 9 more A4 papers of vocabulary to learn and it’s driving me nuts. I hope you like the photos!

The photographer

There was a girl, she had a dream. She was nothing special… she was socially awkward, had her demons chasing her and she didn’t know where her place in the world were. She started out as a photographer for her friend who played guitar in a band. It was just her and her camera which meant a lot to her… it was her only connection to her father who she never had good relationship with. She had her daddy issues but that wasn’t important when she took the most stunning pictures at their concerts. Her work was so admirable that she got recognized by a famous band. She wasn’t a professional or anything, just an ordinary girl, yet they asked her and no one else. She agreed as she wanted to record the atmosphere, the emotions and the people at such big concerts. And so she went on a tour with them. The band and crew loved her. She was this precious person that everybody wanted to protect. She laughed with them, she was just thoroughly happy. She was the kind of person that didn’t want to stand in somebody’s way or to shield their view so it was hard for her to stay in the first rows of the audience. She was always visible for the band because her camera sticking out of the crowd was hard to miss. Once they couldn’t see her though, so between the songs the singer asked his audience where his photographer was. The crowd was silent and only one hand raised from the very back of the room. The singer smiled and asked his fans to bring her to the front and something amazing happened. Several arms reached to her and brought her above their heads and up she went and slowly was carried to the stage. She was capturing every single moment of it. Once there was also a time when she was so caught up in her work that in the middle of one song she ventured in the middle of the stage, despite her shyness, and captured the singing crowd. It took her several minutes before she realised that she wasn’t hidden anymore and put down the camera. She was frozen, staring at the hundreds of people staring at her, she didn’t know what to do. The guitarist though recognized her despair and made people applaud her. She blushed, she waved awkwardly and left, but the photos turned out amazing.
She was always the one capturing every moment of the tour, not just on stage but also behind the scenes. But once she was the one being filmed singing a song by the band. And the band loved it and played this clip on these big screens in the concert hall. And they didn’t leave there. In secret, they wrote a song about her and before they started playing it, the singer started an introduction: “This song is for all of those who feel lost, who feel different and like there is no one for them in the world. For those who were on the verge of committing suicide or who have scars from self-harming.  This is for you, this is for our dear photographer.” They started singing the song while one crew member was walking back stage with a camera filming what was happening, life streaming on those big screens till he finally found their photographer. She sat there, bawling her eyes out, unable to handle all her emotions. Her self-harming scars, that she always tried to hide, were visible on her forearms. She was so touched, she felt important, she felt like she wasn’t alone anymore… she felt like she found her place in the world.

Not dead – exam period

This year is my first exam period ever and it is quite an interesting experience. I’m not so stressed as other students, as I have much less credit tests than others. So far, I have passed all of them except one, but to be honest, not many students passed linguistics as it is hard as hell. I’ve never in my life heard so many strange terms… like do you have any clue what “isogloss” is? Or hypernymy x hyponymy…. Yeah never heard of those either, which makes me so happy that I have to re-sit this subject. Learning history of Great Britain in span of one evening was a fun experience, but the facts that actually stuck in my head, were historical gossips. For some uncertain reason, I love rumours from the past whether they are about kings, authors or mystical unexplainable events. For example, did you know that William the Conqueror was supposedly so fat that he didn’t even fit in his own sarcophagus? Or that Edward II was killed by a hot poker stuck in his ass? Or my very favourite – one legend has it that Eadwig was late to his own consecration and was found by bishop Dunstan in bed with a prostitute and her mother. The disturbance pissed him off so much that he expelled the bishop. You just simply don’t disturb a man during his pleasures for something so meaningless as consecration.
Learning American history was completely different experience, since I had only one night, no study materials and only John Green’s Crash Course to save me (and trust me that without this masterpiece I would be lost for sure). I managed to watch 15 of 34 (10-15 minutes long) videos. Unfortunately, that covered only a quarter of the exam and I passed only by a miracle.
I hope to perform better in the next semester. Now I at least know how it all works and let’s hope for the best in the future.

Rambling – Determination

I have a strong urge to write something, yet I don’t know what to write about. There’s so much happening and at the same time nothing at all. Today we had a family gathering to celebrate my, my mom’s and my nana’s birthday… well technically my birthday is tomorrow, but you know, it was the most convenient timing for the family, so why not. Oh jeez, I’ll be twenty tomorrow! Big two and zero… I’m gonna have a crisis. I’m not a teen anymore… I don’t feel like an adult though, I feel like everything but an adult. And to top it off, New Year’s coming faster than I am capable to keep up with. As a true college student, I have exam period starting off in January and my first exam is on the 3rd January… It has been too chaotic lately and I wanted to enjoy peace at home so I haven’t even touched my study materials… I seriously have to do something and I’m not addressing only my studies. I should put some effort into doing something useful… This blog is my first step. I’d like to fully put my head into it (I even borrowed my dad’s reflex camera! Guess I have to learn how to use it now), read more books, write more stories, just do something and not just sit at home and do nothing.
It’s actually one AM in thirty minutes and I’ve just finished reading Dear Charlie (I hope to write a review soon) and guys let me tell you, that was actually truly inspiring. I’ve not experienced that for a long time now with a book, but this one really left something behind. If you can go through something so shitty as the main character and still get on your feet and pull yourself together, then I can do that too. I promise to genuinely start studying tomorrow, to pass my exams and later on I’ll start doing something worth a while as I’m promising myself all these months.
If you got to this very end, well jeez aren’t you procrastinating yourself? I don’t suppose my rambling is so interesting to be much acknowledged but I hope you took something from it and maybe got inspired yourself. Let’s make it count people!

Christmas depression

It’s that time of the year again and as the past few Christmases, I find myself sitting in my room all by myself at one in the morning feeling awfully depressed and lonely.  And what’s even weirder, it somehow happened that this year I’m in a happy relationship. So why am I lonely you ask? Well the thing is that normally I live with my boyfriend, but his father lives in another country and his mother couldn’t have survived Christmas without her sons, so his whole family gathered in Poland and I myself stayed with my family in my hometown. Sure, I shouldn’t be feeling this shitty, but the thought that tomorrow (Christmas eve) I have to endure the whole day watching my happy sister with her boyfriend and my mom with her now husband just drives me nuts. Even my Grinch father, who doesn’t celebrate Christmas since the divorce, is actually celebrating this year with his new girlfriend. All that leaves me all by myself, being the third wheel to all those happy couples that want to spend the holidays together and don’t really care about me.
I shouldn’t be depressed. I have a loving boyfriend, happy family… yet I guess the only thing I really wanted was to be with my boyfriend on Christmas… more than I admitted myself. But you know I couldn’t have possibly asked him not to visit his family… Even though for once I really want to be selfish and have him here.
I always do so much for others… I like to make people happy and bring them joy, I’ll do whatever it takes at the moment to make somebody happy and still I don’t feel like others are trying to make me happy. I tried to burry my unhappiness with new things, such as a new book that I wanted for quite some time now, that would bring me joy and it actually worked for some time… However, the one AM Christmas loneliness was inevitable I guess and I don’t know what to do. And I don’t think it’s just Christmas… my birthday and New Year’s Eve are coming soon and it somehow all turned out very complicated and not planned properly… I’m not even looking forward to it and when I imagine that New Year’s Eve used to be my favourite day of the year… It’s just all so wrong and not at all as I wanted it to be, I should be used to it by now I guess, but I still keep my hopes up, which kicks me in the teeth every single year, causing me to feel pretty shitty even in this marry season.

I hope your Christmas turned out better for you and that you had a good one. I’ll be good as new once this is all over and till then, I’ll try to keep my spirits up and hopefully get some joy too. Have yourself a merry little Christmas 🙂