The many sides of self-evaluation

There are nights when you perfectly know what to do, you don’t even think about it. You are occupied and later on you wonder how it is possible that it’s midnight already and you have to go to bed. But tonight is not one of those nights. My boyfriend is out late studying with his classmates for an exam and I’ve got the room to myself (there are six of us in an apartment and we are divided into twos for one rom…). Never before have I realized how big part of my life he plays…. Like seriously, I was like “yoo I’ll finish reading The Jungle and it’s gonna be a chill night” but somehow that didn’t exactly work out. I found myself tired as a puppy and I’m in a part where it’s all about politics and I just couldn’t no more. There started the part of the evening where I didn’t know what to do whatsoever… like that we get to this very moment, where I’m sitting in a dark room lit by a dying candle and flickering fairy-lights, listening to Backstreet boys and not having any clue what to do. It’s not like I don’t have stuff to do… I actually want to do a lot of things, but somehow I’m missing inspiration… it is a strange feeling, like everything is transparent and there’s missing something, but I’m unable to grasp what it is. I wouldn’t say that I need to be with friend somewhere right now… actually quite the opposite. I feel like I’ve lost myself a little. The only time nowadays I actually get into deep thoughts about my life and future is, when I am on a tram, going to the city. To be fair, that half an hour ride can get pretty depressing. But it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be alone. I used to read so many books, I just to draw on daily basis, I used to write stories… and now… now I don’t and I’m very confused and I don’t know what happened. I want to be creative, I want to do things, but it’s like something’s holding me back. I’m without both inspiration and motivation. The last two months it’s all about school and exam period and entrance exams and I’m getting sick of it. I want to step up my game, I want to be productive, I want to learn things that might be actually useful to me and my future. I can tell that to myself million times and still when I don’t have school work to do, I do nothing at all as the lazy shit I am… Well this turned pretty petty and it shouldn’t have so let’s bright it up a little. It’s all about the baby steps… I’m actually exploring new things, I am writing at least something even though it’s not stories but blog posts, I’m slowly learning the art of photography, I did stay true to my resolution and I’m reading more and what is my biggest milestone yet I think is, that I managed to pass all my exams and faced responsibility and adulthood and didn’t break down… that’s a start right? People, myself included, tend to see things from the darker side, however we should learn to see the positives more, to recognize the little steps and don’t stoop our shoulders. There’s always hope for everybody, even though you might not recognize it right away.

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