I remember the exact moment my heart broke and my whole world came crushing down. It was one am and all I wanted was to sleep but that was the only thing I couldn’t do. I was so stressed that I felt like I am going to throw up any minute, my heart was pounding so hard as if it was about to jump out of my chest… My whole body was shivering uncontrollably even though there were 20 degrees Celsius in the room and I was wearing pyjamas under a hoodie and laying under a duvet and a blanket. My mouth was dry and no amount of water could change that. My thoughts were all over the place, yet I wasn’t sad nor happy… I was just empty. I was begging myself to sleep, but I just couldn’t. Two am passed, three am passed…. it was the worst night of my life. Something has died inside me. Everything changed in a matter of mere seconds…
You wake up one morning in your brand new flat, you look around and take in all your surroundings… all the things you have to unpack by yourself because your significant other won’t lift a finger, all the surfaces that need to be cleaned, all the furniture that need to be moved… the man laying next to you who feels wrong and out of place. You start thinking, you start sinking in the dark hole – What have I done?! What am I trying to build here?! A home? No! A lie! Just run! Run fast away and never look back… but there is nowhere to run, no one to take you in, no money to spare… you made your own bed, now own it.
There goes the kitchen door slammed shut. Tunes of furious rap are escaping the enclosed space. Lound banging of dishes is like thunder and with each bang, you feel more scared and uneasy and your heart sinks a little bit lower. Why am I even tolerating this? God knows…
The atmosphere is thick with frustration and anger. All of a sudden the phone awakens and the tune alerts a new message: I’ve always thought that you are the most amazing creature alive, ever since the first moment I had the opportunity to talk to you.
Tears start rolling down my cheeks. There are two worlds… one where I am hiding in a room scared shitless and the other where someone would bring down the heavens for me.
You are overreacting, he is just tired from work.
But I only asked him to finish the dishes since I cleaned the room and did most of the work.
Yeah, but he hates doing the dishes, you know.
But I hate doing the dishes too and I did it regardless. And I only asked him to finish it up because he didn’t want to prepare dinner as I asked him.
Stop being such a bitch, let him breathe out a bit. Do it yourself if you need it so much.
But… I am doing it all the time, we should be cooperating.
And you are cooperating? You refused to be intimate with him.
We were intimate not so long ago… I am tired and just not in the mood.
Oh, ok, so it is all right for you not to be in the mood but it is not allowed for him?
*bang* *loud profanities* *bang*
But I am scared.
Every now and then people find themselves in difficult situations. Everyone deals with them differently but for some, it is much harder and they fall into a dark place. If you don’t know what I am talking about then consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to experience this and that you are living somewhat a happy life.
Right now I am in this dark place and it’s completely my own fault. My brain always brings up my issues over and over and over again. I feel lost in my own head like Alice in Wonderland. Every time I shower I fall into a deep depression, I can’t sleep, I lost interest in food and refuse to eat. Because I don’t want to think about the issues, I usually end up watching endless videos and TV series. If you can relate to my situation then you know how hard it is to focus on anything else… but the thing is that you have to. I put up a to-do list in my room so I can see it from everywhere. I used coloured paper and hung it up on my closet. At first, I put there tasks that I wanted to perform over the weekend but as the time progressed I realised that it needs more. So I put there more basic tasks such as eat or socialise. It sounds so stupid, like why would someone need to be reminded of eating or going out or having fun… but it is very important. You have to pick yourself up from the bottom and perform any task and learn how to properly function as a human being. Mental health is no joke, I learned it the hard way. Don’t reject people that are trying to help you, don’t bury yourself deeper and deeper, try to see the light even if it seems impossible at the time. One step at a time, eat, sleep, don’t break down and repeat.
I have always been an anxious person and my stress levels are out of this world, however, these past few months turned into an uncontrollable chaos. I have no real clue what happened or how it happened. I started having relationship problems and you could say life crises and before I knew it, my life felt as if I was a character in a game and someone else was making all the bad choices. As if love problems weren’t bad enough, my close friend was struggling herself – she has a baby on the way and her fiancé is fighting alcohol addiction. And because my life is a tragicomedy and that simply wasn’t enough, another close friend contacted me because her family was in serious trouble and she needed my help – and we are talking help that could bring myself in big trouble.
So basically I have relationship problems that were stressing me out so much, that I started having medical problems and I got into huge depressions. I felt like there was no solution for me… I thought about leaving my boyfriend a lot, but I still don’t think that it’s the right time? Like if we were still meant to be together (does it make sense? Yeah I guess not…). So I always got into this endless loop that was going nowhere and that was stressing me out, the more I got stressed out the more everything felt darker and I was not eating properly. It was scary as hell… it still is. That’s why I probably took the cowards way out and instead of taking a risk and leaving I decided to solve it… I still don’t know if I am solving anything or just running away but I know that I am scared to death by that dark place of mind and I don’t want to relive that. And of course, those two friends came to me with their problems because they have nowhere else to turn to and I feel like I must be their rock and help them and my problems seem like nothing in comparison with their… Like… am I really having it that bad? Am I just blowing up something meaningless and making a drama out of it even though it has a simple solution? Are my problems even worthy?
I feel like I am lost in a fog and every time I think I see a light to navigate me out of there, it just makes me go deeper and deeper. I don’t know anything at this point, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I just want things to be normal and simple… What is happening?
Today something happened today. I was at a course of academic writing, it was an introductory class and the professor was asking us various questions. One question was, what do we feel comfortable with – concerning the English language. I was not able to answer that question. And of course, that with this question also comes hand in hand its opposite – what do we feel less comfortable with.
We got to talking and soon enough the professor asked, whether someone thought that they aren’t good at anything… and I raised my hand maybe a little too fast. I thought that there was no way I would be the only one raising a hand (as the little pessimistic shits we are all), but to my greatest surprise, I was.
The teacher was very surprised and confused and asked me why did I think so. The thing is, that I applied for English language and literature as a field of study because I was not good in anything else and as cocky as I was, I thought that I was really good at English… then I discovered that as always I was quite average.
Bear with me here for a minute, because I will make a slight digression here. A few days back we were discussing our aspirations with my boyfriend. As I found out, he is a very heavy career oriented guy. He has a clear vision of what he wants to become and what he wants to achieve… when I was supposed to answer, I had to think for a while. To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to name even one aspiration, if he didn’t help me realise, that my little ridiculous dreams are actually things that I aspire to achieve. For example, I want to have my own little apartment, where I could do whatever and whenever I want. I want to have a steady income in a job that I like and I’d love to go every day casually in a coffee shop for my flat white to go, in my powder pink pumps that are just screaming that I did it, that I am the fancy bitch who has nothing to worry about.
Now that we established that I actually have some aspirations, let’s get back to my field of study. I always wanted to be the very best at English, to be a translator and everything that comes with it. What puzzles me though is the fact, that I simply accepted my average status. What happened? Why am I not working hard on my English skills, trying to improve? I don’t know… As a translator, I also need not only English but other languages and if I want to be that fancy bitch who is better than everybody else, I must learn terminology for some specialised field (law at best). It’s nice to have a dream but why have a dream if I am not working to achieve it? I am a very self-conscious individual, but that should only motivate me, even more, to work harder.
I have always known, that I am a trash of a human, but I think that only now for the first time in my life did I realise, how bad it actually is. I am always proclaiming that I have some dignity and that I don’t want to have an inferior job. Better stop running my mouth and actually start acting on it.
Well, so where did I left off? Oh I know – everything went to sh*it with Jackson Jackson. He started ignoring me and I started to be more desperate than ever before. If you didn’t guess it already, this isn’t the love story of me and him… he’s actually kind of an asshole to be honest, but he plays a big part in this story. I actually found out recently that I was a rebound after he broke up with the love of his life… like ok I get it… but fuck you dude.
Anyway at that time I was spending most of my time playing League of Legends with my classmate and friends of ours that he introduced me to. Because my life is a real life soap opera, it somehow happened, that the classmate (let’s call him Gandalf) was applying for the same school as Jackson Jackson and both had to another city for the entrance exams. And because it wasn’t enough, the other two friends we were playing with (Blondie and Clueless) accidentally lived in that city. Or to be more precise – Blondie lived there and Clueless was only commuting there. I was a little sneaky b*tch and suggested that we could do a meet up. I would travel with Gandalf, we would stay at Blondie’s apartment and Clueless would join us. What they didn’t know was, that my plan was to go back with Jackson Jackson.
Somehow this craziest idea ever worked and we all found ourselves in a city across our little republic. While Gandalf was doing the entrance exam, I hanged out with Clueless. It was a bit uncomfortable because despite being really close online, we didn’t really have anything to talk about. After the most agonising two hours we picked up Gandalf and met with Blondie. Keep in mind that I was meeting both Clueless and Blondie for the first time in person.
As the day progressed, we decided to go to a pub. I am a shy introvert and Blondie announced that his flatmates would join us. The thought was hell for me. To be quite honest I got drunk before they even got there and then I talked with them no problem. Our two cities have disputes with each other over our dialects and Blondie with a friend of his were making fun of me for over an hour. It was a very interesting evening and then it happened. All of a sudden a new guy joined us (also Blondie’s flatmate) and my first and only thought when I saw him was “daaaaamn me likey”. And yes this is what you all have been waiting for, that was my future boyfriend. But the story doesn’t end here, oh no… The Polish Guy sat down and I didn’t acknowledge him the whole evening because he was sitting on the opposite end of the table. However he had a job interview early in the morning and decided to leave early. As it happenned, I was so hammered that I was feeling really sick and wanted to go home and sleep for an eternity. Logically I decided to join the Polish Guy as it was Blondie’s roommate and we were all sleeping there anyway. As it turned out I unleashed hell with that simple request.
What I didn’t know at that time was, that Clueless had a huge crush on me. He obviously thought that we would hit it off or something and didn’t want me to go home, especially not with the Polish Guy. So they grouped up, while I was cluelessly falling asleep on a chair waiting for something to happen. They were arguing about something and then the Polish Guy came to me and told me, that he wasn’t going in fact home, but to his girlfriend’s. I didn’t care. I needed fresh air and I told him that it was ok, that I only needed directions to get to their apartment and I would get there somehow on my own. What i don’t understand to this very day is, that I was very determined to get home whether someone took me or not and despite the monstrous crush Clueless had on me, he just didn’t want to take me home.
Eventually I found myself on a bus stop with the Polish Guy. We started talking and he admitted that he had no girlfriend and lied just so I wouldn’t go with him and stayed there with Clueless. I couldn’t care less, I just wanted to sleep. As we waited we talked some more and because we were both pretty wasted and he was handsome as hell, we started flirting. After what seemed like an eternity we got to their apartment. I wasn’t sure about our sleeping arrangements, but the Polish Guy told me that I was supposed to sleep in one bed with Clueless… HELL NO! I didn’t know that guy at all, I didn’t want to share a bed with him and also he had a sleeping bag… So I did what I had to survive… I crashed in the first bed that had a duvet and a pillow. Accidentally it was the Polish Guy’s bed. !He threatened me to get out and find somewhere else to sleep and that I had time to move while he goes into the shower. I was so sick and tired that I fell asleep while he was showering, still in his bed. I later learned that he also fell asleep in the shower waiting for a text from the guys telling him what to do with me.
When he finally returned and found me sleeping in his bed, he decided to leave it be and took the bed ment for Clueless. Because he woke me up and I couldn’t fall asleep anymore even though I was dead tired, I decided to talk some more with him, so I opened up with “I understood your reference about Helm’s deep earlier”. (Yeah…. I actually bonded with my future boyfriend via Lord of the Rings) We talked for another two hours untill the rest of the guys showed up and another shitstorm begun. Basically Clueless and Blondie thought that I had slept with the Polish Guy. Clueless kicked him out of his bed and because the Polish Guy didn’t want to kick me out of his bed, he went to another room and slept on two sofas pushed together. But because I ruined the sleeping arrangements, Gandalf didn’t have a place where to sleep and decided to play games all night long. Clueless and Blondie were sleeping in the same room as me and when they thought I had fallen asleep they started talking. The conversation was about me – how selfish I was that Clueless was doing everything for me and that I wouldn’t hook up with him, how I ruined everything and how because of me Gandalf didn’t have a bed to sleep in. I felt guilty, very very guilty for Gandalf.
When the guys fell asleep, I snuck into the kitchen and made Gandalf company. He was playing Mass Effect and was telling me about the game and stuff. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I fell asleep on the tiniest armchair ever. The next morning it was very tense. Clueless was angry and wouldn’t talk to any of us and i was getting depressed because Jackson Jackson was not answering my texts. In the end I hitched a ride home with Gandalf and haven’t seen Jackson Jackson since. After few days I added the Polish Guy on facebook and we talked for two months before we started dating. I moved cities and now we’ve been living together for the best year and a half.