I am unable to confront people. I am such a nice person, that when someone does something that I don’t like, I rather don’t say anything than speak up. I am a choleric… what the heck… I quarrel a lot, I am not shy confronting my boyfriend or family, but god help if I should confront for example my flatmate or classmate. And the thing is, you have to say something to your flatmates if you want to live somewhat satisfied life at your own place…
But every time i want to confront someone, when I am angry as hell, I chicken out. And when I don’t, i look like a madman and not a strong confident woman fighting for her rights and opinions (if fighting my dumb flatmate for not taking down my wet laundry and crumpling it on a chair is a right). When I want to say something that is on my mind, my heart starts beating so fast that I think I’ll pass out or have a heart attack. And when I open my mouth I can’t talk at all… My voice is all hoarse and barely audible. I completely change my voice tone and I look like I am about to cry. And despite the fact that I have my whole script of what I’ll say ready in my head, I instantly forget everything and start babbling nonsense with barely no arguments….
Just imagine that… Someone is so angry that they even come to tell you and this scene I described comes up. It’s completely ridiculous. One time a classmate even apologised to me, that it wasn’t such a big deal and that I don’t have to cry about it… I felt so defeated. You are trying to fight for yourself and instead you look like a weak girly girl who cries about everything. That’s not the way to do it. That’s why I try to avoid these situations, but I can’t hide forever. I have to stick up for myself…
But until I find my stong side and confront anyone without looking like a fool, I have to find a new place, because that laundry thing sure did piss me off and now I look like a crazy b*tch that can’t keep it together. Peace
I can already hear the angry people coming at me for this post, but before you judge me right away without reason, hear me out. I am a student of English literature and every other week I have a seminar addressing a certain book assigned to that week. This semester I got a really awesome professor that is explaining us everything about the author, the times the book was written in and all the different issues mentioned in the work. I admire his determination but there is just one teeny tiny flaw – it’s all about feminism with him. I’d never guessed that I would say it, but there actually CAN be too much feminism. Don’t get me wrong, I support the feminist movement and I’m all about the equal right, but all in all, there is a certain degree to which you can push it onto people.
I have read every book assigned for this semester and I tried to write my essays on new innovative topics… and yet I never got full 100%, but surprise surprise my friends who have never read the books have full 100% because they were writing about feminism and I wasn’t. Ok, I could cope with that you know, I could write about feminism too and if my theory works I will have 100% in the blink of an eye. But what was actually the last straw, was the last book we discussed – Remembering Babylon. I liked the book quite a lot (you should read it yourself, I can recommend it) but when he started talking I was staring at him with open mouth – he explicitly told us that if we are going to write an essay on this book, we have to include feminism… what? No… This book is about racism and xenophobia, about oppressing the Natives and stealing their land. There is the ideology of enslaving or straight up killing the natives, deep philosophy about the rottenness in people and so much more, feminism is barely touched, but nevertheless, I’m supposed to include it in a two pages response paper?
Feminism is an important issue, I get that, yet we can’t forget about other as important issues, especially as a professor. You can’t degrade people just because they aren’t writing about the issues you want them to. To give him some credit he is an undergraduate trying to get his doctorate and it’s nice that someone in a teacher’s position is even acknowledging feminism, but what’s too much is too much.
I’ve always been the girl who wears oversized band T-shirts or the one with fandom print. Put some oversized converse shoes and ripped and patched jeans in the mix and you have pretty much the picture of me.
When I was a little child and my mom was picking clothes for me, it always meant that it would be pink – she loooved pink. She loved pink so much that once at a summer camp I found myself dressed in pink sweatpants, a pink hoodie, and pink shoes… yeah, you can’t even imagine how embarrassed I felt. One thing led to another and as soon as I was in control of what I was wearing, I tried to be that dark intimidating rock leather wearing girl. I must say that I did succeed to some extent, I was finally proud of what I was wearing. The more band and geek T-shirts I owned the happier I was. But then I found myself a boyfriend and started attending college. You say that you don’t have a clue what that has to do with clothes? Oh, let me tell you – everything. I’ve never really been a make-up girl – I do have severe acne scars, but I tried to heal my complexion and one step to prevent pimples was to cut out heavy make-up, so in my rock days I just applied eyeliner and some mascara and I was good to go. But then I went to college and I met this girl heavily obsessing with NYX liquid lipsticks… and soon after I fell in that trap too. I started wearing lipsticks, actually started doing my brows and I’m slowly getting down full face make-up routine when I have time and for special occasions. But that pretty look wouldn’t do for my rock clothes and that’s when my boyfriend comes to the scene. He is a well put together young men, always in a shirt under a nice sweatshirt and he despises my band T-shirts. Formal clothes somehow were never even in my dictionary – I never really needed them and if I did, I possessed one skirt that was sufficient. My boyfriend changed all of that and convinced me to buy some prettier formal clothes – nice WHITE sweatshirt, a shirt (it has little Darth Vaders all over it so my geek self is satisfied too) and something I would have never imagined – tight fitting skirt.
I’ve always tried with my looks to be intimidating, to present this picture of a fierce strong woman who isn’t scared of anything, but it wasn’t until now that I realized that black clothes looking like I came straight from a metal concert, wasn’t it. There is something in well put together clothes, when you have a tank top and tight-fitting skirt with high heels, that you truly feel invincible, like you own the place. A strong woman that means business and won’t let you bring her down. I always tried to avoid feminine formal clothing but all this time, that was the key to being a fierce intimidating powerful woman and I’m glad I was able to see this new world.
(Next, I’m gonna dye my hair silver, wondering how’s that gonna go!)