Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Today something happened today. I was at a course of academic writing, it was an introductory class and the professor was asking us various questions. One question was, what do we feel comfortable with – concerning the English language. I was not able to answer that question. And of course, that with this question also comes hand in hand its opposite – what do we feel less comfortable with.
We got to talking and soon enough the professor asked, whether someone thought that they aren’t good at anything… and I raised my hand maybe a little too fast. I thought that there was no way I would be the only one raising a hand (as the little pessimistic shits we are all), but to my greatest surprise, I was.
The teacher was very surprised and confused and asked me why did I think so. The thing is, that I applied for English language and literature as a field of study because I was not good in anything else and as cocky as I was, I thought that I was really good at English… then I discovered that as always I was quite average.
Bear with me here for a minute, because I will make a slight digression here. A few days back we were discussing our aspirations with my boyfriend. As I found out, he is a very heavy career oriented guy. He has a clear vision of what he wants to become and what he wants to achieve… when I was supposed to answer, I had to think for a while. To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to name even one aspiration, if he didn’t help me realise, that my little ridiculous dreams are actually things that I aspire to achieve. For example, I want to have my own little apartment, where I could do whatever and whenever I want. I want to have a steady income in a job that I like and I’d love to go every day casually in a coffee shop for my flat white to go, in my powder pink pumps that are just screaming that I did it, that I am the fancy bitch who has nothing to worry about.
Now that we established that I actually have some aspirations, let’s get back to my field of study. I always wanted to be the very best at English, to be a translator and everything that comes with it. What puzzles me though is the fact, that I simply accepted my average status. What happened? Why am I not working hard on my English skills, trying to improve? I don’t know… As a translator, I also need not only English but other languages and if I want to be that fancy bitch who is better than everybody else, I must learn terminology for some specialised field (law at best). It’s nice to have a dream but why have a dream if I am not working to achieve it? I am a very self-conscious individual, but that should only motivate me, even more, to work harder.

I have always known, that I am a trash of a human, but I think that only now for the first time in my life did I realise, how bad it actually is. I am always proclaiming that I have some dignity and that I don’t want to have an inferior job. Better stop running my mouth and actually start acting on it.

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Life decisions at 20

Sometimes I feel like my life is one big irony. When I was younger I wondered what it would be like if I went home in the direction as my friends did and whether my mom’s friend was more than just a friend… Now my parents are divorced (not because my mom was unfaithful or anything, my dad is just emotionally constipated and they lasted together longer then most people expected), my mom’s married to that friend and I moved in with her… Later on as I had to apply for colleges I wondered what if I didn’t get into one – but that’s ridiculous right? Everybody gets accepted… well everybody except me it seems. As I didn’t get into college I moved out across my little republic and I’m living happily with my boyfriend and I am a zero-year student at English and American studies… Since a big part of my life are TV series and one of the repeating themes is choosing whether to pursue career or love, I’ve always wondered what would I choose – well surprise surprise the time has come that I actually have to choose. I am twenty years old and I have to decide whether to move back into my hometown and study the most prestigious university in my country or stay where I am with my boyfriend who’s also studying here and continue the school I am in… I’ve not been accepted yet so I’m pushing that decision as far as I can, but eventually I will have to decide and it won’t be an easy decision. I’m scared and confused. I am worried that my relationship wouldn’t last if I moved away, but that university would bring me much better future. It’s a hard decision, a decision that shouldn’t have come so soon, yet here I am and I have no clue how all of this will turn out.