“You shall not pass!” said the Universe

Sit around kids and I will tell you a story of how when one thing goes wrong the universe usually piles it up and everything goes wrong. So on this lovely day, everything was going fine at first. The exam period came so I had no classes scheduled for today, there was just this one credit test I had to attend. I wasn’t worried or anything, I knew it would be pretty easy and without classes, I could sleep in and had also plenty time to study what I needed to refresh. I live on the outskirts of this town so I have to take a bus and change to tram and then to another one in order to get to school. I planned to arrive there half an hour before the test.
Because I had plenty of time before I had to go, I decided to be a bit fancy today and did a whole face make-up routine and a French plait. According to my phone it was 19 degrees Celsius outside so I decided to just wear a band T-shirt, ripped jeans and because the universe was obviously laughing in my face I chose to wear just a flannel shirt instead of a leather jacket and (I’m not even sure myself why) flats.
My bus, as expected, came late. But I was counting on that so it was ok. What wasn’t ok was, that the first tram all of a sudden stopped right as it started pouring down outside. After a few minutes, the tram driver announced that there has been a car accident and that he doesn’t know how long will it take till we move again. At that point, I would have been just on time if the tram moved, which it didn’t and the driver didn’t want to let us out so we wouldn’t get run over by some car. Eventually, to my luck, he did let us out, so I jumped out into the rain, I took off my shirt and used it to shield myself from the rain and went on foot to my school. I arrived ten minutes late, drenched to the bone, looking completely wild as my hair fell out of the plait and my flats felt like a pool. I wasn’t allowed to write the test. Fortunately, my teacher is very reasonable and understood that is wasn’t my fault that I came late, so I had to wait an hour (a very comfortable hour I must add – like daaamn wet jeans are so itchy!) until I could write the test with a different group.
It was a very interesting experience, but if you think that next time I’ll try to come even earlier you must be nuts. You won’t get me so easily universe!


Life decisions at 20

Sometimes I feel like my life is one big irony. When I was younger I wondered what it would be like if I went home in the direction as my friends did and whether my mom’s friend was more than just a friend… Now my parents are divorced (not because my mom was unfaithful or anything, my dad is just emotionally constipated and they lasted together longer then most people expected), my mom’s married to that friend and I moved in with her… Later on as I had to apply for colleges I wondered what if I didn’t get into one – but that’s ridiculous right? Everybody gets accepted… well everybody except me it seems. As I didn’t get into college I moved out across my little republic and I’m living happily with my boyfriend and I am a zero-year student at English and American studies… Since a big part of my life are TV series and one of the repeating themes is choosing whether to pursue career or love, I’ve always wondered what would I choose – well surprise surprise the time has come that I actually have to choose. I am twenty years old and I have to decide whether to move back into my hometown and study the most prestigious university in my country or stay where I am with my boyfriend who’s also studying here and continue the school I am in… I’ve not been accepted yet so I’m pushing that decision as far as I can, but eventually I will have to decide and it won’t be an easy decision. I’m scared and confused. I am worried that my relationship wouldn’t last if I moved away, but that university would bring me much better future. It’s a hard decision, a decision that shouldn’t have come so soon, yet here I am and I have no clue how all of this will turn out.

“Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst.” — Henri Cartier-Bresson

Some time ago I said that I was trying to learn photography. Throughout the last couple of month I actually managed to get some pretty good shots… Now I realized though that I don’t have a clue how to alter them to look even better… Oh well, maybe next time 😉

And yeah if you are wondering, exam period started again and I’m as always procrastinating. I have 9 more A4 papers of vocabulary to learn and it’s driving me nuts. I hope you like the photos!

Bodies up close

I went to my hometown for the weekend and it happened that The Body Exhibition is taking place there. I’ve never visited it and of course I was eager to go. For those who don’t know, The Body Exhibition is an educational exhibition where actual human beings are displayed. It sounded very interesting and so I was trying to persuade my friends to go with me… I wasn’t very successful most of them wanted rather visit a music festival! Pfff who cares about music, people are much more interesting, especially the dead ones (just kidding don’t worry, I am not some creep). Nonetheless I managed to get at least one friend of mine to go with me. I had no clue what we were about to experience – one of my friends told me how disgusting it is, but my other friend (interested in biology) went on about how super awesome it is.
We went in, ready for anythingbody-the-exhibition-jvs-1-475, however let me tell you, it was pretty cool. I guess I’m not that sensitive, because it didn’t move me at all. At first we even thought the displays weren’t real and I had to ask a stuff member and I learned this:

“Specimens in the Exhibition are prepared through a revolutionary process called polymer preservation, in which human tissue is permanently preserved using liquid silicone rubber.”

So pretty much the whole exhibition we weren’t able to picture that the exhibits are actual people because they looked kinda plasticky. Yet it was really interesting to read all the information and see up close the different parts of human body. I even saw one dad educating his children on all the different systems in our bodies. It is a one of a kind experience (unless you work in some medical field) to see what is under our skin and what you are made of. It was r21eally worth it and I would go again for sure. If you are interested in biology or just want to learn how our bodies work, you should definitely go!

(One thing I didn’t enjoy though, were all those different people describing their kids on the displays what illnesses they personally went through and how those metal joints are actually in their knees… ugh… my friend even started telling me how his aunt died of breast cancer… it got really dark really fast – but he found out on the plastic boobs that he’s really good at finding lumps so that’s something I guess [ladies if you want a man who can possibly save you, he’s single and ready to mingle])

Go check out their website for more information and pictures!

The photographer

There was a girl, she had a dream. She was nothing special… she was socially awkward, had her demons chasing her and she didn’t know where her place in the world were. She started out as a photographer for her friend who played guitar in a band. It was just her and her camera which meant a lot to her… it was her only connection to her father who she never had good relationship with. She had her daddy issues but that wasn’t important when she took the most stunning pictures at their concerts. Her work was so admirable that she got recognized by a famous band. She wasn’t a professional or anything, just an ordinary girl, yet they asked her and no one else. She agreed as she wanted to record the atmosphere, the emotions and the people at such big concerts. And so she went on a tour with them. The band and crew loved her. She was this precious person that everybody wanted to protect. She laughed with them, she was just thoroughly happy. She was the kind of person that didn’t want to stand in somebody’s way or to shield their view so it was hard for her to stay in the first rows of the audience. She was always visible for the band because her camera sticking out of the crowd was hard to miss. Once they couldn’t see her though, so between the songs the singer asked his audience where his photographer was. The crowd was silent and only one hand raised from the very back of the room. The singer smiled and asked his fans to bring her to the front and something amazing happened. Several arms reached to her and brought her above their heads and up she went and slowly was carried to the stage. She was capturing every single moment of it. Once there was also a time when she was so caught up in her work that in the middle of one song she ventured in the middle of the stage, despite her shyness, and captured the singing crowd. It took her several minutes before she realised that she wasn’t hidden anymore and put down the camera. She was frozen, staring at the hundreds of people staring at her, she didn’t know what to do. The guitarist though recognized her despair and made people applaud her. She blushed, she waved awkwardly and left, but the photos turned out amazing.
She was always the one capturing every moment of the tour, not just on stage but also behind the scenes. But once she was the one being filmed singing a song by the band. And the band loved it and played this clip on these big screens in the concert hall. And they didn’t leave there. In secret, they wrote a song about her and before they started playing it, the singer started an introduction: “This song is for all of those who feel lost, who feel different and like there is no one for them in the world. For those who were on the verge of committing suicide or who have scars from self-harming.  This is for you, this is for our dear photographer.” They started singing the song while one crew member was walking back stage with a camera filming what was happening, life streaming on those big screens till he finally found their photographer. She sat there, bawling her eyes out, unable to handle all her emotions. Her self-harming scars, that she always tried to hide, were visible on her forearms. She was so touched, she felt important, she felt like she wasn’t alone anymore… she felt like she found her place in the world.

The Misrepresentation of Facts

I think that most people are aware of the Pewdiepie versus media issue that occurred sometime back. If someone actually took the time and watched his apologizing and explaining video, he is trying to put across his point that he is not a racist and was just trying to show how far are some people willing to go for a few bucks and how his audience would understand such kind of humour. He admitted that he could have done it a bit differently, like censor the incriminating sign and so on… His other point was how untruthful is the media – trying to get as many views as possible, presenting false facts and cutting occurrences out of context. Usually I stay out of such dramas, but few days ago, the Oscars took place and as I was unable to watch it, I read articles the next morning, all addressing how bad Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue was, how it was inappropriate for such an event and how he was trying to “bury the hatchet” with Matt Damon and failed miserably… Now I actually got to watch his monologue and yeah, I can admit that Jimmy is a savage but the monologue was brilliant. It reminded me so much of the Pewdiepie case though. It’s like the media didn’t even listen to what was Jimmy really saying and just wrote some random bullshit and I think it’s such a pity that they didn’t recognize his genius jokes and wrote how incapable he is just to make money out of it. We live in an era where you can trust nothing and nobody. If even serious press like The Wall Street Journal is presenting their own facts making people angry and misled, what are we supposed to read? I think that press should sometimes stick their heads out of their butts and actually address real and important things instead of clickbaits and false information. I don’t say that everybody is presenting just misleading information but as it is, such articles get usually buried deep under the lies and it would be nice for a change if it was all the other way.

The many sides of self-evaluation

There are nights when you perfectly know what to do, you don’t even think about it. You are occupied and later on you wonder how it is possible that it’s midnight already and you have to go to bed. But tonight is not one of those nights. My boyfriend is out late studying with his classmates for an exam and I’ve got the room to myself (there are six of us in an apartment and we are divided into twos for one rom…). Never before have I realized how big part of my life he plays…. Like seriously, I was like “yoo I’ll finish reading The Jungle and it’s gonna be a chill night” but somehow that didn’t exactly work out. I found myself tired as a puppy and I’m in a part where it’s all about politics and I just couldn’t no more. There started the part of the evening where I didn’t know what to do whatsoever… like that we get to this very moment, where I’m sitting in a dark room lit by a dying candle and flickering fairy-lights, listening to Backstreet boys and not having any clue what to do. It’s not like I don’t have stuff to do… I actually want to do a lot of things, but somehow I’m missing inspiration… it is a strange feeling, like everything is transparent and there’s missing something, but I’m unable to grasp what it is. I wouldn’t say that I need to be with friend somewhere right now… actually quite the opposite. I feel like I’ve lost myself a little. The only time nowadays I actually get into deep thoughts about my life and future is, when I am on a tram, going to the city. To be fair, that half an hour ride can get pretty depressing. But it’s like I’ve forgotten how to be alone. I used to read so many books, I just to draw on daily basis, I used to write stories… and now… now I don’t and I’m very confused and I don’t know what happened. I want to be creative, I want to do things, but it’s like something’s holding me back. I’m without both inspiration and motivation. The last two months it’s all about school and exam period and entrance exams and I’m getting sick of it. I want to step up my game, I want to be productive, I want to learn things that might be actually useful to me and my future. I can tell that to myself million times and still when I don’t have school work to do, I do nothing at all as the lazy shit I am… Well this turned pretty petty and it shouldn’t have so let’s bright it up a little. It’s all about the baby steps… I’m actually exploring new things, I am writing at least something even though it’s not stories but blog posts, I’m slowly learning the art of photography, I did stay true to my resolution and I’m reading more and what is my biggest milestone yet I think is, that I managed to pass all my exams and faced responsibility and adulthood and didn’t break down… that’s a start right? People, myself included, tend to see things from the darker side, however we should learn to see the positives more, to recognize the little steps and don’t stoop our shoulders. There’s always hope for everybody, even though you might not recognize it right away.