Ghost me not

it was a nice sunny day and he was cutting his way through a park in the city centre, when all of a sudden he spotted her. She was sitting there under a tree, reading one of her strange gory books, completely oblivious to her surroundings. He stopped dead in his tracks. He stood there, staring at her and didn’t know what to do. He did what she specifically asked him no to do – he alienated her. She knew that the situation they were in wasn’t ideal and therefore asked him that if he ever had to sever ties with her, to be honest with her and just tell it straight away. He promised, because he knew that she had had some bad experiences in the past and that if another person she cared about started ignoring her, it would break her. But he did just that… he started ghosting her. She didn’t know what was going on, so she texted him occasionally but since he wasn’t responding, her texts were rarer and rarer until one day they stopped coming. At the time he was relieved, it meant that his life would get a bit easier, but he still cared about her and knew that she’d be going through a tough time. And he was right. She had no clue what happened, she cursed him, she cried, she got depressed, she was so broken that she didn’t leave her bed for days and did not eat. He wanted to come back and help her when he heard all these new, but he didn’t. He drew a line and couldn’t cross it back.

She eventually found her peace. She moved, started from the beginning, found new friends and picked up a few new hobbies. He was glad that she got over it, but deep down he knew that he left a scar on her heart that could never be healed and that she would never trust anyone like him again. And now there she was, sitting there, so caught up in the story of her book that her mouth was slightly open and her fingers white from the tight grip she had on the book. He smiled. She changed so much yet she hasn’t changed at all. His old feelings came rushing back.

Some kids were playing with a frisbee near him when all of a sudden he heard a sharp “Watch out!”. He noticed the frisbee flying right at his head, but he, fortunately, managed to catch it in time. He threw the frisbee back to the kids and turned his head back to her. Their eyes met. The shouting made her look up and she finally noticed him. Her face was blank with all colour vanishing. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know where to begin. She closed her book, collected her stuff and got up. She walked towards him. She was as beautiful as ever, his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest as if it wanted to jump out. He started smiling stupidly, he couldn’t believe this was happening. She got close to him but was not looking at him and as a matter of fact, she passed by him as if he was not even there. As she was passing him, she tried to keep a stone face, but he noticed a tear falling down her cheek. He was dumbstruck. His hand darted out without his intention and he grasped her wrist. She looked at her hand and then in his eyes. Only now he was able to see the blankness in her eyes. She was hurting, she was destroyed on the inside and it was all his fault. Was there even something he could do? She jerked her hand free, gave him one last glance, turned her back to him and left. He was staring at her, he felt his heart breaking and this aching that was passing through his entire body to his fingertips. One minute she was there and the next she was gone, just like that. He thought to himself, “So this is how she felt.”

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The power of ‘what if’

Every person has at some point in their life experienced the ever so powerful what if. What ifs are very very dangerous. You could say they are a straight up gamble. You make a life-changing decision and everything is ok until the doubt creeps into your mind and millions of what ifs are spinning in your mind. If you make a decision and there is no what if, congratulation, you are set. There is nothing to be doubtful about and the decision was probably a right one… but if there is anything to doubt, it can drive you mad.

Some people can make a decision and live with the never-ending questions how different things would be, but most of the time it is unbearable. We are only human beings and doubt is our second nature. I, for example, am not strong enough to endure the torture. My first kiss was based on a what if… my crush started ignoring me for no apparent reason, so my only thought was what if I had let down my barriers and let him kiss me. It haunted me for days, until one drunken evening (yeah kids don’t drink if you are underage, you make baaad decisions) I decided to collect my courage and do it. It was bad as every first kiss and it actually only led me to a clear realisation what an asshole he is and I blind and stupid I had been. But I did it. There was no more what ifs, it was all clear, my mind was set.

If you are not sure what to do, you can take someone’s opinion on that matter, but don’t let their opinions overpower what do you feel in your heart. I know it sounds super cheesy, but it’s true. If you let others drive you into a bad decision, there will be a lot of what ifs. Some of those are bad and irrational, but some are there only because you are unsure you did the right thing. Don’t rush into hard decisions, take your time and if there is any doubt, try to solve it, so your horizons are clear and you don’t have to look back.

Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Today something happened today. I was at a course of academic writing, it was an introductory class and the professor was asking us various questions. One question was, what do we feel comfortable with – concerning the English language. I was not able to answer that question. And of course, that with this question also comes hand in hand its opposite – what do we feel less comfortable with.
We got to talking and soon enough the professor asked, whether someone thought that they aren’t good at anything… and I raised my hand maybe a little too fast. I thought that there was no way I would be the only one raising a hand (as the little pessimistic shits we are all), but to my greatest surprise, I was.
The teacher was very surprised and confused and asked me why did I think so. The thing is, that I applied for English language and literature as a field of study because I was not good in anything else and as cocky as I was, I thought that I was really good at English… then I discovered that as always I was quite average.
Bear with me here for a minute, because I will make a slight digression here. A few days back we were discussing our aspirations with my boyfriend. As I found out, he is a very heavy career oriented guy. He has a clear vision of what he wants to become and what he wants to achieve… when I was supposed to answer, I had to think for a while. To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to name even one aspiration, if he didn’t help me realise, that my little ridiculous dreams are actually things that I aspire to achieve. For example, I want to have my own little apartment, where I could do whatever and whenever I want. I want to have a steady income in a job that I like and I’d love to go every day casually in a coffee shop for my flat white to go, in my powder pink pumps that are just screaming that I did it, that I am the fancy bitch who has nothing to worry about.
Now that we established that I actually have some aspirations, let’s get back to my field of study. I always wanted to be the very best at English, to be a translator and everything that comes with it. What puzzles me though is the fact, that I simply accepted my average status. What happened? Why am I not working hard on my English skills, trying to improve? I don’t know… As a translator, I also need not only English but other languages and if I want to be that fancy bitch who is better than everybody else, I must learn terminology for some specialised field (law at best). It’s nice to have a dream but why have a dream if I am not working to achieve it? I am a very self-conscious individual, but that should only motivate me, even more, to work harder.

I have always known, that I am a trash of a human, but I think that only now for the first time in my life did I realise, how bad it actually is. I am always proclaiming that I have some dignity and that I don’t want to have an inferior job. Better stop running my mouth and actually start acting on it.

When heart is fierce but body won’t listen

I am unable to confront people. I am such a nice person, that when someone does something that I don’t like, I rather don’t say anything than speak up. I am a choleric… what the heck… I quarrel a lot, I am not shy confronting my boyfriend or family, but god help if I should confront for example my flatmate or classmate. And the thing is, you have to say something to your flatmates if you want to live somewhat satisfied life at your own place…

But every time i want to confront someone, when I am angry as hell, I chicken out. And when I don’t, i look like a madman and not a strong confident woman fighting for her rights and opinions (if fighting my dumb flatmate for not taking down my wet laundry and crumpling it on a chair is a right). When I want to say something that is on my mind, my heart starts beating so fast that I think I’ll pass out or have a heart attack. And when I open my mouth I can’t talk at all… My voice is all hoarse and barely audible. I completely change my voice tone and I look like I am about to cry. And despite the fact that I have my whole script of what I’ll say ready in my head, I instantly forget everything and start babbling nonsense with barely no arguments….

Just imagine that… Someone is so angry that they even come to tell you and this scene I described comes up. It’s completely ridiculous. One time a classmate even apologised to me, that it wasn’t such a big deal and that I don’t have to cry about it… I felt so defeated. You are trying to fight for yourself and instead you look like a weak girly girl who cries about everything. That’s not the way to do it. That’s why I try to avoid these situations, but I can’t hide forever. I have to stick up for myself…

But until I find my stong side and confront anyone without looking like a fool, I have to find a new place, because that laundry thing sure did piss me off and now I look like a crazy b*tch that can’t  keep it together. Peace

My flatmates from hell

Having flatmates is like being in a toxic relationship. You don’t have the money to move out and live on your own, so they are the necessary evil in order for you to have a roof over your head. But every time they do something wrong you just hope that it was a one time thing. Every time you ask them to do or stop doing something and they simply don’t listen, you blame yourself and think that maybe you want too much from them. Every time you tidy the whole apartment so it’s clean at least once a month, only for them to come home that very evening and your hard work is gone within minutes, you just hope it’s going to get better…

But like in a toxic relationship, you can take only so much and blame yourself for only so long. I haven’t been in this game for so long… I had five flatmates for a year and the next year I moved in with only three, in both cases including my boyfriend. Most people would say that I am overreacting and hell, I think so too! But then I remember that I am the only one caring for the apartment, because I don’t want to live in a dump, I remember washing up those moldy pots, I remember the clogged kitchen sink that I have to clean up almost everyday, I remember the loud quarrels of couples that after hearing those I can’t even comprehend how are they still together, and most important I remember that fricking ukulele that is driving me completely nuts! I used to love ukulele… I wanted to learn to play ukulele…. and now? Now I want to throw that thing on the street, set it on fire and watch it get run over by a car.

And it’s not only my flatmates that are driving me crazy, oh no. Our landlord in the first apartment was a cool guy that couldn’t care less about anything, even us. But I suspect that our new landlady is some even worse creature than the devil himself and she’s so scary that people rather don’t even talk about her. The first day we moved in, we received an A4 paper that had rules written on it on both sides… The rules include what windows we can and can’t open and when, that we can’t roll the blinds all the way up, that we must wear home shoes, and much more. We can’t even control the heating in our rooms and we must take off and put on shoes outside of our apartment.

People would think that having flatmates is awesome. You have the TV series like Friends and New Girl, but let me tell you, it’s all lies!

What is the price of self-worth

My parents had never motivated me to find a job and I was never in a need of one. Sure I didn’t really have any money to spare, but I didn’t mind. As long as I was living under my mother’s roof, I had nothing to worry about and I didn’t really have any desire to spend money for things (ok maybe except books… but I always somehow managed to find money for books). I started my first part-time job only because all my other friends had already so much work experience and I felt pressured. You can also say, that my first part-time job was kind of an accident – I knew that my friend’s mom had her own business and just for fun I asked that friend, whether her mom was hiring… and to my surprise she actually was. So the next four summers I had been selling handmade corn husk decorations at a farmers market. It was not a bad job… I had been seeing my friend every day, nobody was really supervising me, and the salary was not that bad either. The downside was that you had to sit there for 6-12 hours bored to death in temperatures around 30°C (86°F) or in cold rains, you had no real access to the toilet and overall this work experience was not in my field of study. Lust summer I decided that I needed more. And I actually did – even though it was much more about the experience in translation than actually good money.

Why am I telling you all this? I moved house and I was so naive that I thought having only two flatmates would be better than four… I was wrong. I can’t stand it anymore, I want my own place with my boyfriend. To achieve that I need a job. While I was searching for some part-time jobs, my friend was constantly making fun of me to go and donate my eggs or blood or plasma. I was joking that I would sell my kidney. However to be completely honest, I’d rather sell my kidney than work in a fast food, tidy someone’s home or work in a warehouse. Those seem to be the only jobs available right now. Is it so bad to wish for some fulfilling job? I want to do something that I enjoy, not just because I am desperate for the money. I would be willing to promote teas on instagram for crying out loud, I am not that picky… or am I?

The best years of your life… yeah about that

The best years of your life… yeah about that

“Oh, you are a university student? You are so lucky! Enjoy it, those will be the best years of your life.” yeaah…. I am not so sure about that man. It is one in the morning and I can’t fall asleep, because I am stressed out of my mind. And the best part? The semester hasn’t even started yet.

So basically, those “best years” consist of two semesters every years… each semester is stressful as hell at the beginning and the end… So you get like two stressful months at the beginning because of all the formalities and making sure that you enrolled for the right classes and that you properly managed all the other important stuff, and later on you get another two stressful months of exam period. And that’s the fall semestr, where we luckily have the summer holidays. In the winter semestr you have the beginning stress and stress from the exam period in one nice package. AAAAnd of course there is everything in the middle, the awesome time you have to manage your relationships, money and other adult stuff… which, if you are like me, is also very very veeeery stressful.

So basically you’re all telling me, that these are the best years of my life… the years when I am in constant stress and panic mode, I can’t sleep, I have no appetite, meantime I am trying to manage my job, and overall I am not handling this well… but it’s good to hear that those “real” adult years of only working will be even worse… can’t wait… having a master degree that is good for nothing and little to no work experiences… what the heck am I gonna do. I should take this blogging hobby more seriously and become a full-time blogger or whatever, because otherwise I can just about cry my eyes out.

As I said before, it’s one in the morning and I have not really a clue where I was going with this… and because everything else coming to my mind is basically existential crisis, I better stop now.

Just a little insight of a student’s mind… at one o’clock am… what a time to be alive