When heart is fierce but body won’t listen

I am unable to confront people. I am such a nice person, that when someone does something that I don’t like, I rather don’t say anything than speak up. I am a choleric… what the heck… I quarrel a lot, I am not shy confronting my boyfriend or family, but god help if I should confront for example my flatmate or classmate. And the thing is, you have to say something to your flatmates if you want to live somewhat satisfied life at your own place…

But every time i want to confront someone, when I am angry as hell, I chicken out. And when I don’t, i look like a madman and not a strong confident woman fighting for her rights and opinions (if fighting my dumb flatmate for not taking down my wet laundry and crumpling it on a chair is a right). When I want to say something that is on my mind, my heart starts beating so fast that I think I’ll pass out or have a heart attack. And when I open my mouth I can’t talk at all… My voice is all hoarse and barely audible. I completely change my voice tone and I look like I am about to cry. And despite the fact that I have my whole script of what I’ll say ready in my head, I instantly forget everything and start babbling nonsense with barely no arguments….

Just imagine that… Someone is so angry that they even come to tell you and this scene I described comes up. It’s completely ridiculous. One time a classmate even apologised to me, that it wasn’t such a big deal and that I don’t have to cry about it… I felt so defeated. You are trying to fight for yourself and instead you look like a weak girly girl who cries about everything. That’s not the way to do it. That’s why I try to avoid these situations, but I can’t hide forever. I have to stick up for myself…

But until I find my stong side and confront anyone without looking like a fool, I have to find a new place, because that laundry thing sure did piss me off and now I look like a crazy b*tch that can’t  keep it together. Peace


My flatmates from hell

Having flatmates is like being in a toxic relationship. You don’t have the money to move out and live on your own, so they are the necessary evil in order for you to have a roof over your head. But every time they do something wrong you just hope that it was a one time thing. Every time you ask them to do or stop doing something and they simply don’t listen, you blame yourself and think that maybe you want too much from them. Every time you tidy the whole apartment so it’s clean at least once a month, only for them to come home that very evening and your hard work is gone within minutes, you just hope it’s going to get better…

But like in a toxic relationship, you can take only so much and blame yourself for only so long. I haven’t been in this game for so long… I had five flatmates for a year and the next year I moved in with only three, in both cases including my boyfriend. Most people would say that I am overreacting and hell, I think so too! But then I remember that I am the only one caring for the apartment, because I don’t want to live in a dump, I remember washing up those moldy pots, I remember the clogged kitchen sink that I have to clean up almost everyday, I remember the loud quarrels of couples that after hearing those I can’t even comprehend how are they still together, and most important I remember that fricking ukulele that is driving me completely nuts! I used to love ukulele… I wanted to learn to play ukulele…. and now? Now I want to throw that thing on the street, set it on fire and watch it get run over by a car.

And it’s not only my flatmates that are driving me crazy, oh no. Our landlord in the first apartment was a cool guy that couldn’t care less about anything, even us. But I suspect that our new landlady is some even worse creature than the devil himself and she’s so scary that people rather don’t even talk about her. The first day we moved in, we received an A4 paper that had rules written on it on both sides… The rules include what windows we can and can’t open and when, that we can’t roll the blinds all the way up, that we must wear home shoes, and much more. We can’t even control the heating in our rooms and we must take off and put on shoes outside of our apartment.

People would think that having flatmates is awesome. You have the TV series like Friends and New Girl, but let me tell you, it’s all lies!

What is the price of self-worth

My parents had never motivated me to find a job and I was never in a need of one. Sure I didn’t really have any money to spare, but I didn’t mind. As long as I was living under my mother’s roof, I had nothing to worry about and I didn’t really have any desire to spend money for things (ok maybe except books… but I always somehow managed to find money for books). I started my first part-time job only because all my other friends had already so much work experience and I felt pressured. You can also say, that my first part-time job was kind of an accident – I knew that my friend’s mom had her own business and just for fun I asked that friend, whether her mom was hiring… and to my surprise she actually was. So the next four summers I had been selling handmade corn husk decorations at a farmers market. It was not a bad job… I had been seeing my friend every day, nobody was really supervising me, and the salary was not that bad either. The downside was that you had to sit there for 6-12 hours bored to death in temperatures around 30°C (86°F) or in cold rains, you had no real access to the toilet and overall this work experience was not in my field of study. Lust summer I decided that I needed more. And I actually did – even though it was much more about the experience in translation than actually good money.

Why am I telling you all this? I moved house and I was so naive that I thought having only two flatmates would be better than four… I was wrong. I can’t stand it anymore, I want my own place with my boyfriend. To achieve that I need a job. While I was searching for some part-time jobs, my friend was constantly making fun of me to go and donate my eggs or blood or plasma. I was joking that I would sell my kidney. However to be completely honest, I’d rather sell my kidney than work in a fast food, tidy someone’s home or work in a warehouse. Those seem to be the only jobs available right now. Is it so bad to wish for some fulfilling job? I want to do something that I enjoy, not just because I am desperate for the money. I would be willing to promote teas on instagram for crying out loud, I am not that picky… or am I?

The best years of your life… yeah about that

The best years of your life… yeah about that

“Oh, you are a university student? You are so lucky! Enjoy it, those will be the best years of your life.” yeaah…. I am not so sure about that man. It is one in the morning and I can’t fall asleep, because I am stressed out of my mind. And the best part? The semester hasn’t even started yet.

So basically, those “best years” consist of two semesters every years… each semester is stressful as hell at the beginning and the end… So you get like two stressful months at the beginning because of all the formalities and making sure that you enrolled for the right classes and that you properly managed all the other important stuff, and later on you get another two stressful months of exam period. And that’s the fall semestr, where we luckily have the summer holidays. In the winter semestr you have the beginning stress and stress from the exam period in one nice package. AAAAnd of course there is everything in the middle, the awesome time you have to manage your relationships, money and other adult stuff… which, if you are like me, is also very very veeeery stressful.

So basically you’re all telling me, that these are the best years of my life… the years when I am in constant stress and panic mode, I can’t sleep, I have no appetite, meantime I am trying to manage my job, and overall I am not handling this well… but it’s good to hear that those “real” adult years of only working will be even worse… can’t wait… having a master degree that is good for nothing and little to no work experiences… what the heck am I gonna do. I should take this blogging hobby more seriously and become a full-time blogger or whatever, because otherwise I can just about cry my eyes out.

As I said before, it’s one in the morning and I have not really a clue where I was going with this… and because everything else coming to my mind is basically existential crisis, I better stop now.

Just a little insight of a student’s mind… at one o’clock am… what a time to be alive

Little Safe Haven

As some of you might know, I moved to a different city across our little republic, in order to attend college. Except for my boyfriend, I knew nobody here and the whole city was alien to me. Yet I managed to stumble across one place I knew by heart – Costa Coffee. For those who are not familiar with this coffee shop, it’s like the second most known coffee chain store after Starbucks. That said, you may be thinking ‘yeah, of course, a chain store would feel familiar duh’, but hear me out. In my hometown (the capital city) Costa Coffee is on every corner, I always took it for granted, but here? Nothing. I am a college student and a coffee lover, so of course, that between lectures I was looking for some coffee places to take refuge in and I was struggling. For the whole first semester, I couldn’t find a steady place where I would return regularly. But then out of nowhere, I 18136394_10208690723217977_943398478_nfound it. We were about to go on a trip by train with my boyfriend and I was craving coffee so much, that I was looking where to get a cup, when suddenly, very well hidden, I came across Costa Coffee. I’ve been going there ever since. In this town, I’m living in at the moment, there is only one Costa for the whole town! But nevertheless, it feels like a little safe haven, a familiar surrounding, that reminds me of home, where I can sit peacefully by myself and for a moment chill out.
It’s always important to find your little cosy place in an unfamiliar place, doesn’t matter whether it’s a bookstore, a coffee shop or a stationery shop, as long as you feel comfortable there and you feel welcomed there. I found my place and I hope you’ll find yours.

(PS: also the staff there seems to recognise me already… maybe I’m going there too often?)

Stop procrastinating via procrastinating

Is your kid a pathological procrastinator? Do they have an important test that they need to study for, but they still have so many better things to do and a huge range of excuses? Do they have little to none patience? Then I found the solution for you.
You see, I am a college student. Starting tomorrow my exam period starts off with an important exam and what did I do to study? Absolutely nothing. I managed to read two books, both of 400 pages in the last week and both completely useless for my studies. For once I am clever enough not to start reading another book (although the temptation is killing me) and I won’t start watching any new series, despite not having anything to watch. That said, I had nothing to do. I had watched all the youtube videos in my subscriber feed and since it wasn’t even noon, it was way too early to study, so what did I do? Played a video game, that’s right.
You may be confused – how is that going to help you stop procrastinating? It is actually l_60c4eab9quite easy… because currently, I am playing Alice: madness returns. If you know this game and you were able to finish it and it was a piece of cake for you, then I admire you. I am not even kidding, you are a god. For those who don’t know the game, you have to fight a lot – there are like million controls, which get pretty confusing and if you are like me, you lose control of where your fingers are and there are just so many enemies… and they kill you over and over and over again till finally, finally, you manage to beat them. But then there are the jumpalice-mr-01b-lging platforms… Like heeell to the no. They disappear and they move and there is no saving, just checkpoints, so all your effort is worthless if you screw up just one time on the very end… Oh my, it’s such a frustrating game! I am not a very patient person and this game will seriously drive me off the edge into a nut house (yeah, I see the irony). It actually angers me so much that after half an hour of failing, I’d rather study for my exam, then continue playing. I am cured of procrastinating.
The lesson here? If you have the urge to procrastinate, do something that you know will drive you up the wall and you will be glad to do some calm studying that makes sense (in most cases).

Too much feminism?

I can already hear the angry people coming at me for this post, but before you judge me right away without reason, hear me out. I am a student of English literature and every other week I have a seminar addressing a certain book assigned to that week. This semester I got a really awesome professor that is explaining us everything about the author, the times the book was written in and all the different issues mentioned in the work. I admire his determination but there is just one teeny tiny flaw – it’s all about feminism with him. I’d never guessed that I would say it, but there actually CAN be too much feminism. Don’t get me wrong, I support the feminist movement and I’m all about the equal right, but all in all, there is a certain degree to which you can push it onto people.
I have read every book assigned for this semester and I tried to write my essays on new innovative topics… and yet I never got full 100%, but surprise surprise my friends who have never read the books have full 100% because they were writing about feminism and I wasn’t. Ok, I could cope with that you know, I could write about feminism too and if my theory works I will have 100% in the blink of an eye. But what was actually the last straw, was the last book we discussed – Remembering Babylon. I liked the book quite a lot (you should read it yourself, I can recommend it) but when he started talking I was staring at him with open mouth – he explicitly told us that if we are going to write an essay on this book, we have to include feminism… what? No… This book is about racism and xenophobia, about oppressing the Natives and stealing their land. There is the ideology of enslaving or straight up killing the natives, deep philosophy about the rottenness in people and so much more, feminism is barely touched, but nevertheless, I’m supposed to include it in a two pages response paper?
Feminism is an important issue, I get that, yet we can’t forget about other as important issues, especially as a professor. You can’t degrade people just because they aren’t writing about the issues you want them to. To give him some credit he is an undergraduate trying to get his doctorate and it’s nice that someone in a teacher’s position is even acknowledging feminism, but what’s too much is too much.