Rambling – Determination

I have a strong urge to write something, yet I don’t know what to write about. There’s so much happening and at the same time nothing at all. Today we had a family gathering to celebrate my, my mom’s and my nana’s birthday… well technically my birthday is tomorrow, but you know, it was the most convenient timing for the family, so why not. Oh jeez, I’ll be twenty tomorrow! Big two and zero… I’m gonna have a crisis. I’m not a teen anymore… I don’t feel like an adult though, I feel like everything but an adult. And to top it off, New Year’s coming faster than I am capable to keep up with. As a true college student, I have exam period starting off in January and my first exam is on the 3rd January… It has been too chaotic lately and I wanted to enjoy peace at home so I haven’t even touched my study materials… I seriously have to do something and I’m not addressing only my studies. I should put some effort into doing something useful… This blog is my first step. I’d like to fully put my head into it (I even borrowed my dad’s reflex camera! Guess I have to learn how to use it now), read more books, write more stories, just do something and not just sit at home and do nothing.
It’s actually one AM in thirty minutes and I’ve just finished reading Dear Charlie (I hope to write a review soon) and guys let me tell you, that was actually truly inspiring. I’ve not experienced that for a long time now with a book, but this one really left something behind. If you can go through something so shitty as the main character and still get on your feet and pull yourself together, then I can do that too. I promise to genuinely start studying tomorrow, to pass my exams and later on I’ll start doing something worth a while as I’m promising myself all these months.
If you got to this very end, well jeez aren’t you procrastinating yourself? I don’t suppose my rambling is so interesting to be much acknowledged but I hope you took something from it and maybe got inspired yourself. Let’s make it count people!

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Christmas depression

It’s that time of the year again and as the past few Christmases, I find myself sitting in my room all by myself at one in the morning feeling awfully depressed and lonely.  And what’s even weirder, it somehow happened that this year I’m in a happy relationship. So why am I lonely you ask? Well the thing is that normally I live with my boyfriend, but his father lives in another country and his mother couldn’t have survived Christmas without her sons, so his whole family gathered in Poland and I myself stayed with my family in my hometown. Sure, I shouldn’t be feeling this shitty, but the thought that tomorrow (Christmas eve) I have to endure the whole day watching my happy sister with her boyfriend and my mom with her now husband just drives me nuts. Even my Grinch father, who doesn’t celebrate Christmas since the divorce, is actually celebrating this year with his new girlfriend. All that leaves me all by myself, being the third wheel to all those happy couples that want to spend the holidays together and don’t really care about me.
I shouldn’t be depressed. I have a loving boyfriend, happy family… yet I guess the only thing I really wanted was to be with my boyfriend on Christmas… more than I admitted myself. But you know I couldn’t have possibly asked him not to visit his family… Even though for once I really want to be selfish and have him here.
I always do so much for others… I like to make people happy and bring them joy, I’ll do whatever it takes at the moment to make somebody happy and still I don’t feel like others are trying to make me happy. I tried to burry my unhappiness with new things, such as a new book that I wanted for quite some time now, that would bring me joy and it actually worked for some time… However, the one AM Christmas loneliness was inevitable I guess and I don’t know what to do. And I don’t think it’s just Christmas… my birthday and New Year’s Eve are coming soon and it somehow all turned out very complicated and not planned properly… I’m not even looking forward to it and when I imagine that New Year’s Eve used to be my favourite day of the year… It’s just all so wrong and not at all as I wanted it to be, I should be used to it by now I guess, but I still keep my hopes up, which kicks me in the teeth every single year, causing me to feel pretty shitty even in this marry season.

I hope your Christmas turned out better for you and that you had a good one. I’ll be good as new once this is all over and till then, I’ll try to keep my spirits up and hopefully get some joy too. Have yourself a merry little Christmas 🙂

Duhilom Tovok at your service

My first blog post, how exciting. Well I guess that I should introduce myself a little. I am a twenty-year-old girl trying to make her way through college as an English and American studies undergraduate. My life is a complicated mess, which gives me enough funny stories to last for ever. I intent to share here stories of my life or even those which I have written myself. You can expect a lot of random thoughts that I just need to ventilate or my new discoveries, such as books (literature is big part of my studies after all) or teas (<3) that I want to share with you. I hope that everybody can find here something for themselves and I want to apologise in advance for some mistakes here and there as English is not my mother language and I’m trying my best to learn it as best as possible.
So enough rambling and let’s get writing!