New home, new lie

You wake up one morning in your brand new flat, you look around and take in all your surroundings… all the things you have to unpack by yourself because your significant other won’t lift a finger, all the surfaces that need to be cleaned, all the furniture that need to be moved… the man laying next to you who feels wrong and out of place. You start thinking, you start sinking in the dark hole – What have I done?! What am I trying to build here?! A home? No! A lie! Just run! Run fast away and never look back… but there is nowhere to run, no one to take you in, no money to spare… you made your own bed, now own it.

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Is it love or is it fear?

There goes the kitchen door slammed shut. Tunes of furious rap are escaping the enclosed space. Lound banging of dishes is like thunder and with each bang, you feel more scared and uneasy and your heart sinks a little bit lower. Why am I even tolerating this? God knows…
The atmosphere is thick with frustration and anger. All of a sudden the phone awakens and the tune alerts a new message: I’ve always thought that you are the most amazing creature alive, ever since the first moment I had the opportunity to talk to you.
Tears start rolling down my cheeks. There are two worlds… one where I am hiding in a room scared shitless and the other where someone would bring down the heavens for me.
You are overreacting, he is just tired from work.
But I only asked him to finish the dishes since I cleaned the room and did most of the work.
Yeah, but he hates doing the dishes, you know.
But I hate doing the dishes too and I did it regardless. And I only asked him to finish it up because he didn’t want to prepare dinner as I asked him.
Stop being such a bitch, let him breathe out a bit. Do it yourself if you need it so much.
But… I am doing it all the time, we should be cooperating.
And you are cooperating? You refused to be intimate with him.
We were intimate not so long ago… I am tired and just not in the mood.
Oh, ok, so it is all right for you not to be in the mood but it is not allowed for him?
But…
*bang* *loud profanities* *bang*
But I am scared.

Eat, sleep, don’t break down, and repeat

Every now and then people find themselves in difficult situations. Everyone deals with them differently but for some, it is much harder and they fall into a dark place. If you don’t know what I am talking about then consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to experience this and that you are living somewhat a happy life.
Right now I am in this dark place and it’s completely my own fault. My brain always brings up my issues over and over and over again. I feel lost in my own head like Alice in Wonderland. Every time I shower I fall into a deep depression, I can’t sleep, I lost interest in food and refuse to eat. Because I don’t want to think about the issues, I usually end up watching endless videos and TV series. If you can relate to my situation then you know how hard it is to focus on anything else… but the thing is that you have to. I put up a to-do list in my room so I can see it from everywhere. I used coloured paper and hung it up on my closet. At first, I put there tasks that I wanted to perform over the weekend but as the time progressed I realised that it needs more. So  I put there more basic tasks such as eat or socialise. It sounds so stupid, like why would someone need to be reminded of eating or going out or having fun… but it is very important. You have to pick yourself up from the bottom and perform any task and learn how to properly function as a human being. Mental health is no joke, I learned it the hard way. Don’t reject people that are trying to help you, don’t bury yourself deeper and deeper, try to see the light even if it seems impossible at the time. One step at a time, eat, sleep, don’t break down and repeat.

Endless loop of stress

I have always been an anxious person and my stress levels are out of this world, however, these past few months turned into an uncontrollable chaos. I have no real clue what happened or how it happened. I started having relationship problems and you could say life crises and before I knew it, my life felt as if I was a character in a game and someone else was making all the bad choices. As if love problems weren’t bad enough, my close friend was struggling herself – she has a baby on the way and her fiancé is fighting alcohol addiction. And because my life is a tragicomedy and that simply wasn’t enough, another close friend contacted me because her family was in serious trouble and she needed my help – and we are talking help that could bring myself in big trouble.

So basically I have relationship problems that were stressing me out so much, that I started having medical problems and I got into huge depressions. I felt like there was no solution for me… I thought about leaving my boyfriend a lot, but I still don’t think that it’s the right time? Like if we were still meant to be together (does it make sense? Yeah I guess not…). So I always got into this endless loop that was going nowhere and that was stressing me out, the more I got stressed out the more everything felt darker and I was not eating properly. It was scary as hell… it still is. That’s why I probably took the cowards way out and instead of taking a risk and leaving I decided to solve it… I still don’t know if I am solving anything or just running away but I know that I am scared to death by that dark place of mind and I don’t want to relive that. And of course, those two friends came to me with their problems because they have nowhere else to turn to and I feel like I must be their rock and help them and my problems seem like nothing in comparison with their… Like… am I really having it that bad? Am I just blowing up something meaningless and making a drama out of it even though it has a simple solution? Are my problems even worthy?

I feel like I am lost in a fog and every time I think I see a light to navigate me out of there, it just makes me go deeper and deeper. I don’t know anything at this point, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I just want things to be normal and simple… What is happening?

Ghost me not

it was a nice sunny day and he was cutting his way through a park in the city centre, when all of a sudden he spotted her. She was sitting there under a tree, reading one of her strange gory books, completely oblivious to her surroundings. He stopped dead in his tracks. He stood there, staring at her and didn’t know what to do. He did what she specifically asked him no to do – he alienated her. She knew that the situation they were in wasn’t ideal and therefore asked him that if he ever had to sever ties with her, to be honest with her and just tell it straight away. He promised, because he knew that she had had some bad experiences in the past and that if another person she cared about started ignoring her, it would break her. But he did just that… he started ghosting her. She didn’t know what was going on, so she texted him occasionally but since he wasn’t responding, her texts were rarer and rarer until one day they stopped coming. At the time he was relieved, it meant that his life would get a bit easier, but he still cared about her and knew that she’d be going through a tough time. And he was right. She had no clue what happened, she cursed him, she cried, she got depressed, she was so broken that she didn’t leave her bed for days and did not eat. He wanted to come back and help her when he heard all these new, but he didn’t. He drew a line and couldn’t cross it back.

She eventually found her peace. She moved, started from the beginning, found new friends and picked up a few new hobbies. He was glad that she got over it, but deep down he knew that he left a scar on her heart that could never be healed and that she would never trust anyone like him again. And now there she was, sitting there, so caught up in the story of her book that her mouth was slightly open and her fingers white from the tight grip she had on the book. He smiled. She changed so much yet she hasn’t changed at all. His old feelings came rushing back.

Some kids were playing with a frisbee near him when all of a sudden he heard a sharp “Watch out!”. He noticed the frisbee flying right at his head, but he, fortunately, managed to catch it in time. He threw the frisbee back to the kids and turned his head back to her. Their eyes met. The shouting made her look up and she finally noticed him. Her face was blank with all colour vanishing. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know where to begin. She closed her book, collected her stuff and got up. She walked towards him. She was as beautiful as ever, his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest as if it wanted to jump out. He started smiling stupidly, he couldn’t believe this was happening. She got close to him but was not looking at him and as a matter of fact, she passed by him as if he was not even there. As she was passing him, she tried to keep a stone face, but he noticed a tear falling down her cheek. He was dumbstruck. His hand darted out without his intention and he grasped her wrist. She looked at her hand and then in his eyes. Only now he was able to see the blankness in her eyes. She was hurting, she was destroyed on the inside and it was all his fault. Was there even something he could do? She jerked her hand free, gave him one last glance, turned her back to him and left. He was staring at her, he felt his heart breaking and this aching that was passing through his entire body to his fingertips. One minute she was there and the next she was gone, just like that. He thought to himself, “So this is how she felt.”

The power of ‘what if’

Every person has at some point in their life experienced the ever so powerful what if. What ifs are very very dangerous. You could say they are a straight up gamble. You make a life-changing decision and everything is ok until the doubt creeps into your mind and millions of what ifs are spinning in your mind. If you make a decision and there is no what if, congratulation, you are set. There is nothing to be doubtful about and the decision was probably a right one… but if there is anything to doubt, it can drive you mad.

Some people can make a decision and live with the never-ending questions how different things would be, but most of the time it is unbearable. We are only human beings and doubt is our second nature. I, for example, am not strong enough to endure the torture. My first kiss was based on a what if… my crush started ignoring me for no apparent reason, so my only thought was what if I had let down my barriers and let him kiss me. It haunted me for days, until one drunken evening (yeah kids don’t drink if you are underage, you make baaad decisions) I decided to collect my courage and do it. It was bad as every first kiss and it actually only led me to a clear realisation what an asshole he is and I blind and stupid I had been. But I did it. There was no more what ifs, it was all clear, my mind was set.

If you are not sure what to do, you can take someone’s opinion on that matter, but don’t let their opinions overpower what do you feel in your heart. I know it sounds super cheesy, but it’s true. If you let others drive you into a bad decision, there will be a lot of what ifs. Some of those are bad and irrational, but some are there only because you are unsure you did the right thing. Don’t rush into hard decisions, take your time and if there is any doubt, try to solve it, so your horizons are clear and you don’t have to look back.

Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Am I only human trash lacking any goals?

Today something happened today. I was at a course of academic writing, it was an introductory class and the professor was asking us various questions. One question was, what do we feel comfortable with – concerning the English language. I was not able to answer that question. And of course, that with this question also comes hand in hand its opposite – what do we feel less comfortable with.
We got to talking and soon enough the professor asked, whether someone thought that they aren’t good at anything… and I raised my hand maybe a little too fast. I thought that there was no way I would be the only one raising a hand (as the little pessimistic shits we are all), but to my greatest surprise, I was.
The teacher was very surprised and confused and asked me why did I think so. The thing is, that I applied for English language and literature as a field of study because I was not good in anything else and as cocky as I was, I thought that I was really good at English… then I discovered that as always I was quite average.
Bear with me here for a minute, because I will make a slight digression here. A few days back we were discussing our aspirations with my boyfriend. As I found out, he is a very heavy career oriented guy. He has a clear vision of what he wants to become and what he wants to achieve… when I was supposed to answer, I had to think for a while. To be honest, I wouldn’t be able to name even one aspiration, if he didn’t help me realise, that my little ridiculous dreams are actually things that I aspire to achieve. For example, I want to have my own little apartment, where I could do whatever and whenever I want. I want to have a steady income in a job that I like and I’d love to go every day casually in a coffee shop for my flat white to go, in my powder pink pumps that are just screaming that I did it, that I am the fancy bitch who has nothing to worry about.
Now that we established that I actually have some aspirations, let’s get back to my field of study. I always wanted to be the very best at English, to be a translator and everything that comes with it. What puzzles me though is the fact, that I simply accepted my average status. What happened? Why am I not working hard on my English skills, trying to improve? I don’t know… As a translator, I also need not only English but other languages and if I want to be that fancy bitch who is better than everybody else, I must learn terminology for some specialised field (law at best). It’s nice to have a dream but why have a dream if I am not working to achieve it? I am a very self-conscious individual, but that should only motivate me, even more, to work harder.

I have always known, that I am a trash of a human, but I think that only now for the first time in my life did I realise, how bad it actually is. I am always proclaiming that I have some dignity and that I don’t want to have an inferior job. Better stop running my mouth and actually start acting on it.